How to last the distance

Joy will take you way further than gritted teeth.

Achieve the things you want in a really easy way

Achieve the things you say you want with this ridiculously simple trick.

If-Then plan + Coping plan.

If-Then
Having a trigger which activates the goal. If chocolate is offered to me I will say no...  If my alarm goes off, then I get up and exercise.

Coping plan
When I feel tried and don't want to get up and exercise,  I only have to get to the top of the driveway and if I still don't feel like it I can come back. When I really want to say yes to the chocolate I will go have a drink of water instead.

Sabotage yourself

Why do we sabotage ourselves? Simple.  It's control over a situation you feel out of control in.  You'd rather feel safer with power than delayed gratification with 'hope'.

Be

It clicked today for me why children have such extreme emotions - they are in a constant state of single mindedness, always in the moment,  not aware of past or future,  it's only good or it's only bad...  As adults we try to replicate this through mediation,  mindfulness,  or just things that get us in the zone! Is there enough activities at work for you which let you just be in the zone? My job has always, been excellent for tasks which require full attention but you get lost in the activity...  There is nothing else that exists in that moment...

Why are you resentful?

Resentment occurs when you don't understand something and you value the opposite result.
S. Phelps

Comedy Evolution

If a big part of comedy is the element of surprise,  unpredictability, random, observation from a distance...  Then is it a surprise that we are less funny to our family/partner? Maybe it's something else,  maybe we don't care as much to try? Maybe we try too hard? Why are we not as funny in a couple after a while? Or are we just as funny but got used to it? Expected.

Want to win every argument? The catch is it's not necessarily on your terms.

The only true way to change someone's mind is with a truth (to them)
bigger then the truth being contested.

Is it the end of the world as we know it?

http://qz.com/643497/we-are-witnessing-the-rise-of-global-authoritarianism-on-a-chilling-scale/

We are heading down a path where our world is so full! Our lives,  our time and space! There's a false sense of pressure, an urgency, everything is counting down,  a limited opportunity,  a fear of missing out,  comparing our lives to others,  expecting more,  wanting more, 'needing' more because if we don't have what we want and need, we are not happy - or more impacting - running away from unhappiness, running away from feeling inadequate, feeling unsafe, feeling vulnerable,  feeling mortal.

Does it surprise us that democratic majority humanity is acting the way it is? 'make my feelings better' 'make my world safer' 'make my problems go away' 'make my life better' all of those things 'but I don't want to think,  I don't have time to figure stuff out,  I don't care who else loses if I'm OK'

When some leader tells us what we want to hear,  we want to believe them,  we want the safety and memories of the past infused into a safe and secure future where you have everything you want and need... Even out of curiosity, why wouldn't you want to give someone a go?
Facts,  logic,  reason,  understanding,  they are ugly,  not fun, not the world we want...  Let's make the mess and get someone else to clean it up! Even if it costs us humanity.

Are you open or closed minded to people different to you?

http://bigthink.com/scotty-hendricks/everybody-is-a-little-bit-prejudiced-sometimes?

This is the best and most simple understanding of our world and interactions with it! So well said!

We forget a lot more than we think!

'Simple' is not always defined by the process or procedure, rather it's the perception and acknowledgment of focus.

Quote: S J Phelps 2011

Do not remember writing this

Could your security levels influence your social leanings?

This post is dictated not typed I think I've stumbled across an explanation as to why maybe all the people a traditional conservative and younger people are contrition traditionally more liberal. Is it that all the people have a little more to lose because I've already worked very hard across the life and the idea of changing things mean that they stand to lose a bit more than someone who was younger but doesn't stand to lose much but stands to gain a lot. I think I've just thought of another level that drills down even further and maybe conservative is a bit more are traditional natural selection you should do it on your own it's up to you don't rely on other people as much for don't expect things from other people you just get in and do whatever it is that you want or need to do and the government should allow you to be able to do that while traditionally a Liberal or more left wing is hey let's help out other people that need a bit more assistance let's do things for people that they may struggle to do themselves and so on and so forth so is it possible that being older means in theory you're a little more secure in yourself you little more sure of your position in the world and life but are you younger person is still finding their way defeat still finding their voice and their identity so does that mean all the people are more about them as an individual while younger people are more about the greater good because we know in studies that when we're in times of trouble of crisis we don't push away other people were actually draw more people in we need other people to survive in an indie to thrive so maybe there's a reason why young people prefer looking after everyone because that's how they're thinking at the moment that's how they're inclined and that's their way of feeling secure or and surviving lol someone else is a bit older may not need that kind of reassurance in just go there I'll do it on my own I'm fine how are you and you should be as well so is that possible? Is that a interesting perspective on my baby all the people of more conservative and younger people are more liberal? It's just a theory.

Mental health score!

This is spoken not typed Justice any errors I apologize. What if we are able to have mental health as a scale of 1 to 10 just like a normal sickness so if you just use normal health you asked you rate yourself between 1-10 1 being I can't go to work I can't really live life because my health is preventing me from doing so and 10 is is perfect you're shooting a hand life's great everything so amazing so what if we did that same scale for mental health at 9:59 one not being able to work or function can be amazing wouldn't that help us come to a point where were categorising mental health most you need physical health kinda why it saying well if my physical health this is 50 so my mental health as a 5 is that still affecting the outcome meaning that you can only half can't sleep life then get out of bed and go to work and things like that so just like a physical problem or problems that you might have the mental health is for the lack of mental health is preventing you from doing the same kinds of things when you put the two together like that it takes away that vagueness of the mental health take the lack of understanding

Life.

So life gets in the way,  the sacrifice of money,  careers,  relationships,  advancement cut into the quiet times,  the peace,  the dwelling and contemplation...  Are we happy with our choice? Did we really make a choice,  or life just is?

My feelings connected to your actions

Change the action of someone will change the feeling,  but what if we could change our action to change the feeling,  wouldn't you get the same result? So why do we want to change other things in people to change our feeling when there is other ways?

The formula for success

A bit of luck
A bit of skill
A bit of time
A bit of work
A bit of money
A bit of connections
A bit of timing
A bit of wisdom

What to do when life throws up problems

"When a challenge arises either play the game, change the game or don't play."
S. Phelps

The smart paradox

If you need validation from test results to confirm you're smart,  you're probably not as smart as the results suggest.

Want more control over people? Don't do this!

Don't try and read minds - it can't be done!

Why are you so tried when you 'shouldn't' be?

Mental fatigue comes from making decisions,  the more you make,  the more tired you will be.

Why do old vote consecutive and young liberal?

Because older people have more to lose and would rather keep what they have than risk while young have nothing to lose,  everything to gain and a long future of possibilities.

Why are lies believed?

A simple lie is more believable than a complicated truth.
S Phelps

Pain, good or bad?

We avoid pain unless we benefit.
S Phelps

Why you avoid your deep issues

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
- Michel de Montaigne 

It's very easy to forget why people try to forget things,  avoid,  deny,  refuse weighted importance, dismiss acknowledgement... It's hard work fixing something when you can just ignore it and hope it goes way...  Problems not related to our identity or sense of self often go away over time on their own,  however things that are intertwined with who we are or shaped what we are will never go away unless you take action that works (trying without a direction means nothing)

Before you judge someone for not 'fixing' their problem,  did you clean your room or your house when you said you would? Did you achieve your exercise goal or new year's resolution yet? 'fixing' or making something better is hard and it's a lot harder to clean a mind than it is to clean your house.

Wanna be successful? Here's how!

Work, Sleep, Family, Fitness, or Friends: Pick 3

You can have it all. Just not all at the same time.

One of the meanings of life

"The meaning of most lives is to plan things to do now to look back on."
S. Phelps

TYOA Parkinson's law

Take your own advice reset. I need to be aware of Parkinson's law more this will help me achieve a lot in a short amount of time as opposed to having full days and not utilising them very well at all Parkinson's law tells us tasks swell in priority as it gets closer to it's deadline so because you can always do it tomorrow is never any urgency to do it today and therefore even if you did she hurts you achieved it quite slowly and it would take a long time to get a big list of things done so instead of writing off a day at 3:04 o'clock you need to look at things in our forms chunks of hours what can I achieve in this hour what can I finish in this hour or the next 2 hours and productivity in theory should go through the roof

Observation of people and their work

Different jobs develop different kinds of people I guess with the types of processing they do shapes there minds and our mind shapes who we are

Sometimes there's more to life than we know

Lack of evidence doesn't always constitute lack of existence

How to Kill Your Loving Relationships Quickly

Please don't hurt the one you're supposed to love the most.  Be kind to the people who most matter, treat your loved ones how you would like to be treated

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201212/one-thing-will-ruin-perfectly-good-relationship

TYOA Early August

So my posting each day has showed but the behavior has not which is excellent.  I've been working multiple jobs but still found the time to do some HIT exercise,  incidental exercise and clean eating...  I hit a new low a couple of days ago of 93.4kgs

The last couple of weeks I'd say both food and decide l exercise are 5/10 which an easy lifestyle to maintain that's beneficial for health and weight loss...

I'm doing good,  be proud! I'm doing really well!

Change everything to suit us not changing

We spend so much time trying to charge everything around us while we stay fixed, why don't we just adapt to our surroundings?

I spy...

The Horthorn effect...

People change their behavior when they know they are being watched

How do we choose when we have no understanding?

In the absence of any other information, humans tend to estimate the value of something by gauging the demand for it.

Good or Bad? Feelings verses Facts

Do you associate yourself yourself as a good person by down playing your own feelings and needs. Do you feel like a bad person when you put your needs first?

Why?

TYOA day 22

Hit training in the morning,  lots of incidental exercise,  food good,  maybe ate a tad too much,  over all felt good

Food 5/10
Exercise 6.5/10

TYOA day 21

The 3 weeks seems like it's been a very long time I've had my ups and downs but generally speaking I have improved fairly well a day like today is 1 of those days where I'm definitely not going to lose weight but I'm also not going to gain weight either it's a fairly standard day that you could keep up which is good.

Food 5/10
Exercise 4.5/10

Is radical change more painful than the pain in the now?

Is it more inhumane to make something change drastically even if it's for the better then to just leave it how it is knowing that they can handle it because of it handling it for such a long time?

TYOA day 20

fist day of the new job,  ate fairly well and exercised,  I have to in the morning otherwise it'll be a struggle mentally at work

8/10 food
5/10 exercise

TYOA day 18

Bit of a write off food wise, too much sugar and lunch fast food  a traveling day which is the explanation but not an excuse but exercised ... Ended the day fairly well with food

2/10 food
4.5/10 exercise

TYOA day 19

Too busy to eat and when I did it was very healthy at dinner

10/10 food
2/10 Exercise

TYOA day 17

I've just hit the 50 hour mark of my fast,  feeling really tried but feeling good! Aiming tomorrow morning to break it before traveling

Final day of fasting...  It'll be 65 hours without food at 8am tomorrow

Some exercise

10/10 food
5/10 exercise

TYOA day 16

Weight is steady at 96.4 but my lifestyle is feeling good and productive! Today is a fast day for the sins of the last day or two...  It helps me and my body recalibrate... It helps me stop craving junk,  I just start craving any food haha which means if the first food I eat after the fast is good/wholesome/natural,  that's what you want to eat, not junk.

Too good not to post

It's so hard to articulate this topic so I thought I'd post verbally...  This is not my wording.

As humans, we are most fulfilled when we are able to receive and give support. However, quite a few of us are in lopsided relationships—we either receive a lot of support or give a lot, and don't do very well balancing the two. If you constantly give support to others at your own expense, eventually this imbalance will negatively impact your life. Either you or the other unsupported members of your circle will begin to feel neglected. Maybe you receive recognition for being selfless and this is now your “normal” way of behaving. But the very word selfless should send up warning signals; paying less attention to ourselves and more attention to others puts us in a poor position to support others.

It may be that you are naturally “a giver” or that, through giving, you earned praise when you were growing up—“Oh, he’s so helpful,” or “She always thinks about others first. She’s so kind.” Certainly these traits are welcome, but not to the exclusion of one’s self. Remember: You should also receive support when you need it, and if you're not, it's time to examine why and start to rebalance the situation.

It is perfectly normal to do everything for your children when they are babies or toddlers. However, as they grow older, it's important to adjust this situation and encourage them to flourish and do things for themselves. So if you still run around after children who are 15, 16, or 17 years old, or drop your leisure pursuits at a moment’s notice to fetch or carry for them, the relationship is imbalanced. 

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The same is true of a friendship or partnership. If your friend or partner is going through a particularly stressful period, of course you want to support them. You may even give up some of your own time, pursuits, or desires in order to do so. But this will not be sustainable long-term, and as they get back on their feet, you need to return to your own routines. It is important that you do not give up everything in your life, regardless of how needful the person you want to support is. If you do, there will be no “normal” life to return to—you will have given it up. Meanwhile, the person you supported will no longer need your support and may happily return to their routine, leaving you flat. By all means, support someone else, but not at too high a cost to yourself or you may find yourself in a parasitical relationship that cannot be sustained.

The second type of support relationship is one where you constantly seek support.  Maybe you grew up with parents who did everything for you and so you are used to other people running around after you. You need to realize that in order to function as an adult, you must be able to do the majority of your living and working tasks yourself. It is perfectly reasonable to ask for help if you feel out of your depth, but don’t hand over the whole task or responsibility to another person, no matter how much you're struggling. When you do this, you disenfranchise yourself—and you learn nothing. Get the other person to show you what they would do in the situation, and then gradually take over the task yourself.

This will be hard if you have been encouraged to be “needy,” and had too much done for you. Remember that the whole time you are being “supported” by another person, you are not truly autonomous and will never be in complete control of your life. In a partnership, this control is something that is sacrificed to a certain extent because there are two of you involved. In a healthy relationship, this is negotiated, usually to the benefit of both partners, not at the expense of one.

As is so often is the case, balance is key. In any long-term relationship, there is give and take: At certain points, one person’s needs will dominate, but in a normal relationship the pendulum will swing back the other way and the supported will become the supporter. If this does not happen, the relationship changes to an unsustainable parasite-and-host situation. You need to watch out for this in order to support yourself and your partner, and to keep your relationship healthy.

TYOA day 15

Not a great day,  the last two days haven't been great...  Focusing again tomorrow...  Ended the day today fairly well though...  Rain is my explination for not exercising but it's not an excuse...

Food 2.5/10
Exercise 0/10

TYOA day 16

Only one meal but it was huge...  Some incidental exercise...

Update...  Had more food at 11  which I really didn't need too,  so I'll downgrade Food 4/10 to 1/10

Exercise 5/10

TYOA day 15

Lots of incidental exercise,  food was reserved, dinner was a little indulgent...

Food 6/10
Exercise 7/10

TYOA day 14

Guest rating
7/10 food...  More vegetables
7.5/10 exercise - highlights...  Large hill climb,  varied terrain (bush walking)

7/10 food...  Could have eaten a little less at dinner and earlier
8/10 exercise more intense than previous day but a little shorter

TYOA day 13

Portion splitting of food which was good...  Losing points for a Magnum Ice Cream. Even though I only had half a burger at lunch it was still 1 of those fast food esque burgers
Points for good self control and portion sizes at dinner
Guest rating 7/10 food
My rating 6/10

Exercise did a lot of walking and exploring about 4 kilometres

Guest rating 8/10 exercise
My rating 8/10

Slightly higher rating than what it will be in 6 months but a really good effort at this early stage thank you my love you're gorgeous I want to rub your feet

TYOA day 12

Birthday day!  Need I say more

2.5/10 points for not finishing dinner and wedges and only had two main meals

4/10 exercise

TYOA day 11

Birthday eve...  Excellent start to the day,  indulge that evening...  Pizza and champagne

4.5/10
8/10 exercise

TYOA day 10

A break day,  sort of...  I've had a good day but it's semi my birthday evening with my dad/family so let go a bit with pizza and chocolate...  I've held back a lot more than I have in the past,  so that's a good victory...  Even with that my rating is OK because of the rest of the day...

4.5/10 food
3/10 exercise

TYOA day 9

Excellent day,  Best one yet!

8/10 food...  Maybe lost points for portion sizes being a bit too large,  but didn't over eat across the day...  All good for natural and wholesome foods
8/10 exercise,  largely thanks to Pokemon Go... 
That rating is relative to where I'm at fitness wise...  In the future,  the hour long power walk will rate much lower,  needing more intensity and weight training

TYOA day 8

Really good day today food wise,  I'll give it a 9/10! Was just a tad better than yesterday... Whole natural foods,  no over eating,  good variety of vegetables, nuts, berries and fruit.

9/10 food
1/10 exercise
10/10 brain exercise (formal study, reading,  solving work problems and very productive)

TYOA day 7

Diet wise,  really well so far... If I didn't eat anymore,  I'm going for an 8/10 for the day! No exercise today so far,  need to do something light to top off a really good day!

Finished a good day,  lots of ginger tea (really just ginger slices with hot water haha) a couple of berries towards the end and a walk too...  Best day so far...

Summary of food
Brown rice small amount
Quinoa
Vegetables (7 types)
Fruit (4 types)
Flacseeds
Beans
Berries
Nuts
Ginger tea

Portion sizes a little high but only had 2 main meals not 3 ...

Food 8/10
Exercise 5/10

TYOA day 6

I don't feel like I had a good day but it wasn't that bad either...  Corn chips was my only non native/natural thing, although I ate too much in the middle of the day/3pm I'm not going to eat dinner...

Food 5/10
Exercise 2/10

TYOA day 5

Going really well so far,  clean eating,  lots of water,  just finished a HIT session...  Will see how the rest of the day turns out...  Keep at it,  you're doing great!

So the day didn't end as well as it started, pack of chips after shopping and a chai tea but did have a fresh juice,  lots of water ... So...

Food 5/10
Exercise 6/10 (lots of incidental activity and deliberate)

I'm 97 kg at the moment,  need to get to 95kg in a week for a sky dive (eek) I might do a fast

TYOA day 4

Feeling good,  keeping to the plan,  all but zero meat so far,  lots of fiber, whole foods,  nuts,  vegetables...  No exercise today so far...  Some things end up more difficult than you expect even though they should be simple,  very frustrating!!!!

Lost a bit of weight but those kinds of figures on the scales so early really don't matter too much, it's the bigger picture...

I ate way too much in the middle of the day but really recovered well this evening...  Didn't feel hungry,  so I didn't eat...  Just drinking some lemon water...

Eating 6/10
Exercise 0/10

TYOA day 3

Food 7/10 not bad,  could have been better
Exercise 1/10 in a car all day makes that score terrible...

Notes...  Be more prepared with better food...  Have tea or water if still hungry.

HIT training tomorrow before 11am

Draw a blank

I'd rather you be honest inside your own head than saying nothing with your lips

TYOA day 2

Feeling good,  fairly motivated,  1 km walk,  lots of water,  brown rice,  vegetables and nuts so far.

Last night I weighed myself at 99kgs I'll keep weighing to see how I'm going and to keep me accountable.  80kgs really suits me,  sometimes people say I look under weight at that level,  but 85 is the ideal...  Hell,  make it 84 so I have 15kgs to lose...  I've done it before,  I'll do it again.  Last time I became a vegetarian for 6 months and it worked amazingly well,  so I'm concious to not eat much meat and restrict factory produced food (obviously excluding washing and packing etc)

Been going well throughout the day...  Nearly had seconds at dinner,  served it up and put it back,  had water instead! Feeling proud...  Knowing I was going to post on this blog helped!

Update...  And after posting that,  my old man 'makes' me eat more...  It's hard to say no when food is shoved in your face however I have to learn how to say no...

The Nawing in my Head

Unhappiness comes from comparison of others. When you are compared to others you will lose,  and so will they,  there's always someone with a skill that's better than yours and you'll always have a skill that's better than there's. We just have to be the best person we can be and believe and hope that's enough for ourselves and others.

If disclosure beings connection,  then creating things you wouldn't disclose to others with someone must bring an even deeper connection.

Secrets withheld from one another create isolation.

A secret world that's a bit of a fantasy can be exciting,  personal and connecting...  But when you watch someone else do that it brings distance and loneliness.

All any of us want is to give and receive love unconditionally and feel safe to do so.

Take Your Own Advice (TYOA 1)

It's time to take my own advice,  I want and need to become more healthy,  lose weight and gain strength and fitness.  I do not lack in knowledge,  I do not lack in technique,  hell I do not even lack in experience,  I lack in action,  I lack in dedication and consistency.

So I am keeping myself accountable by posting here and being honest with myself,  I'm the only one who loses by being dishonest with myself.

I choose to take this path for several main reasons.
I value my mind more than my body,  but my mind relies on my health,  state of mind which is tied to my body,  you are what you eat,  exercise helps the mind be clear and sharp!
I value my girlfriend, Tess,  she deserves a healthy and head strong man who happens to also have a body which she is proud of.  I choose to do this because she accepts me where I'm at,  and that inspires me to be better.

I need to post my failures and my successes as they happen,  get up and do something about my situations,  be proud of my efforts and even if I stumble,  get back up and keep going.

I have 1 year till my partners major milestone birthday - I want to lose 20kg or if not losing that much,  at least converting to tone and muscle.

I think in 6 months I'll do really well if I keep the path.  In future posts I'll let you know what I'm up to and how I'm doing it...

To start I've done a 1.2km walk and I've eaten rice,  vegetables,  soy sauce cottage cheese and nuts with ginger tea and honey. Over ate a little bit,  need to serve in smaller bowls.  Drink water more if hungry.

I enjoyed my walk while watching 30 rock.

I finished brain training but need to do more HIT training each day,  especially seems it's short

Until next time!

Two Lies Make A Truth

You sometimes have to lie to a really anxious person to calm them down, because anxiety lies to them about reality.

The Inequality of the Definition of Equality

There are two sorts of equality... 

Definition 1. Everyone is equal today. The same level of importance and opportunities.

Definition 2. Everyone wasn't equal yesterday so we will assist those people a little more today to truly balance the differences to eventually have equal opportunities.

An example of my own life.

I am a sound engineer.

Definition 1 says that I and anyone else have the equal opportunity to become that,  get the same wage when they do and be treated the same.
Definition 2 says, we need to make it easier for other people who have not had the history or opportunities in this field. I as a white male have history on my side which makes it easier for me today to be apart of that world and once I'm in that world I am perpetually accepted because there are others like me,  thus keeping the white male club strong.

The sound engineer example again.  I had a much easier time to get into it because my dad was in music...  It wasn't the same thing and I still worked very hard independently to get to where I got, but arguably without that slight advantage I may have never made it.  This is the same for white males...  Because they have been there before,  set the rules and benefited from perpetual cultures (a la the rich get richer).

So what definition 2 says it's not just about equality in the moment,  but the bigger picture of past present and future.  To put it another way... If you watch some sport towards the end of the game and the opposition to your team scores twice,  it would be fair to think your team is losing, only it's not,  your team is way ahead and they can afford to relax a bit and they still are way ahead on the score board.

If we are fighting about two different types of definitions of equality we will struggle to make progress.

What Women Want

"Care about me first, then care about my body."

Or

"desire me first,  then desire my body"

A thought I had about what women may want?

"American Smile"

"I'm a Russian native and we don't smile because back home it is considered fake to smile just for the sake of being polite / to please others / to look good etc. In our culture, you smile only when you truly are having a very happy moment. In Russia, "American smile" is another word to define a fake smile, the one you put on your face no matter how you truly feel at that moment. This is just one of those "cultural differences" that take time to get used to."

Stop Trying To Please Everyone!

You'll never not piss someone off with who you are and what you believe,  so instead of figuring out who to please,  maybe figure out who you'd rather piss off? I want to piss off people who want their own way with everything,  I want to piss people off who exploit others for their gain, I want to piss others off who want to rob dreams and hopes of others,  I want to piss people off who think it's OK to hurt others for their pleasure or wreck people's lives for a moment of hideous indulgence. I want to piss off the people who make the world a worse place for them being in it.

My Pain Is Worse Than Yours?

Who's pain is worse? The person feeling it.
S. Phelps

Accidental Relationship Sabotage

Why do people rush into marriage? Why do they rush into living together or rush to having a family?
Why do people hold off getting married, or moving in together,  why do people resist even being in a relationship in the first place?

The answer to both why we speed up and why we slow down is the same.  Fear.

The reason you avoid being close to someone is to avoid being hurt.
The reason you rush into commitments is because you're locking things down before that person can get away.

The same thing is going on in both situations,  we are trying to have power and control over over a situation to avoid possible pain.  The problem is "he who fears he shall suffer,  already suffers what he fears".
The problem is,  the more you focus on the fear and what you don't want to happen,  the more you feed the beast. It's like quicksand, the more you do to prevent the pain you're trying to avoid,  the faster it makes you sink into it.

I don't blame people for how they behave... If there was a countdown to putting your hand on a hot plate, in that time,  wouldn't you do actions to try and avoid that outcome?

Do Women Really Want Equality?

Do women really want equality?

https://medium.com/@NikitaCcoulombe/do-women-really-want-equality-4374910f2236#.f5qqea2os

A productive headline for sure,  which is why I clicked,  but turns out to be a well written article.
This is more about surface life rather than deep wounds from the past or personal incidences man v woman.

For me and my thoughts over the years I'd say 80% I agree with (8 out of every 10 statements)
I still think the ultimate goal for all genders is to have choice, we don't want our past to stand in the way of what we want, we don't want the present to stand in the way of what we want,  and we certainly don't want to see someone get what they want while we go without because of things we didn't choose (gender, age, race, sexual orientation, religion) as long as our choices don't hurt others for our gain (which is how we got inequality in the first place) then choice is equality definition. Let men and women have their choice,  let's have that kind of equality.... So do women really want equality?
Yes.

Your confirmation bias to me?

If I get respected and famous in the field of psychology, all of my blog posts become 'great' or 'inspired' or the making of a star,  or maybe it's just confirmation bias and they are all just terrible?! Or you've never heard of me and think they suck when some of my thoughts lead me to changing the world forever?!

The Human Evolution Paradox

I wish politicians would focus on how they are "good" rather than why everyone else is "bad."

Sorry but it's democracy at work...  It's our collective fault...  We often vote against who we don't like rather than voting for who we do... It's said it's much easier for us to decide what we don't like rather than what we do. The theory of why is we take more notice of threats than friends (evolution). As the political parties have done more market research over the last 50 years, they're just responding to us and our behaviors,  unfortunately with the amount of data mining on human behavior, it's now self perpetuating, un-evolved instincts continually poked by our modern genius...  Surely humanity's most humble paradox.

How Do You Know When To Trust?

How do you determine trust? How do you know when someone is trustworthy; worth giving time to; investing in; sharing with? What is the silent measure and how is it gained and lost? What are the thresholds between caution and carelessness, protection and paranoia?

Short answer...  We don't, none of us do, but to not trust on even basic levels would mean the end of your life, I trust that the house I am in does not collapse, that the food I eat is not poison, that the car coming the other way doesn't crash into me...  So why do I trust those obvious things but not little things...  Well conditioning mainly but at the heart of it trust is two things coming together...  Patterns and accountability. I trust my house, my food and my fellow drivers won't kill me because it hasn't happened yet out of a large amount of experience and even if something dose happen it's so rare that it could be considered an anomaly (but for some even one time is enough to break the trust, depending on a variety of factors for a different topic). The second reason of accountability is the most reliable method of trust...  There's an expression "follow the money" which sums this up perfectly. Why does my food not poison me? Because the people providing it to me stand to lose more than me,  why does the car divers don't try to kill me? Their lives are more important than mine. Why does my house not collapse over my head? The people involved stand to lose to much if they don't do it correctly and same with all the people's jobs to keep these people accountable, they can lose their jobs and income, their ways of life.
So after seeing some patterns and following the thread of accountability also known as "what's in it for them" by lying to you they stand to gain no benefit, then your fine. If I had not such a complicated answer I'd probably be a lot richer or be a secret government agency spy...

If you want to catch a liar don't try the body language crap and eye position stuff,  it's too floored and means multiple things (like looking up is the brain activating visual information which yes could be creating a story in order to tell you back, but much more likely it's recalling things you've already seen)

If you really think someone is lying to you,  get them to tell their story in reverse order, if they made it up on the spot, it's hard to work in reverse linear, but not too hard if it's legit. It's a CIA trick.
Happy liar hunting y'all! 

Swipe Dating and Why We Do It

"In the age of Tinder, Grindr, Happn, Bumble and many other dating apps that allow people to flip through potential dates like picking socks for the winter season, it seems not only romance has died, but also the respect needed to nurture healthy relationships. Is Tinder a symptom of our self-indulgent, self-absorbed, individualistic, lonely society or has it perpetuated a model in which every human interaction is need-based and transactional?"

— Mădălina Preda

Actually it comes down to fear...  We as creatures generally use fear as a guide to keep us alive. When we make it personal, it triggers all sorts of fears, men and women alike, so dating paradoxically is what brings the option of new life but we may 'die' in the process (according to the un-evolved part of our brain when triggered by fear). So as humans have done for thousands of years,  we try to make things safer... Our feelings guide our 'success' (even though flying on a plane is safer than a car and a kitchen is dirtier than a toilet), and in this context we have been able to remove fear and vulnerability through 'distance' which is achieved by 'safety in numbers'. Guys have used this approach for a while...  Have many girls being dated at the same time so it doesn't matter if one fails because there's others to fall back on and because you don't value one over the other, you don't care who comes or who goes.  Caring or not caring regulates emotions...  The more you care,  the more you fear losing,  the less you care... You guessed it,  the less you fear losing... It's also the fear of failure or wasting your time or feeling stupid...  If you invest in one person and it doesn't work out, it can evoke any number of the feelings above and some but having lots of people, it's just simple numbers,  some will come,  some will go but there will always be someone. Finally,  it makes us feel good,  even if the feeling is dripping with fraud, you feel loved or attractive, you feel wanted,  validated and accepted... We all want to matter and this is the fastest most convenient way to feel like it, and we all deserve to feel like we matter because we all do!

Have Peace in Change

If life has taught me anything is that nothing stays the same, and there's not much you can do to stop it,  but there's lots you can do to slow it down. Be still.

You're the problem and the solution

"Attitude trumps intelligence, passion trumps process but excuses trumps you."
S. Phelps

Let's see each other not as gender but as humanity.

We need to teach our sons the difference between:

a woman who compromises him and a woman who will compromise with him

a woman who will stand on him and a woman who will stand with him

a woman in need of a parent and woman in need of a partner

a woman who expects everything from him and a woman who respects everything about him

Then we need to teach our daughter's to be that women.

Men V Women.
How to tell when it's a fair point? Reverse the genders...  If the advice is both true and powerful regardless of if it's directed at male or female...  It is not about gender, rather about humanity

The difference between collective and individual.
A man raping a women is an individual action, the attitude towards it is collective.
A women belittles a man to the point of suicide is individual action, our response is collective. Both are important,  but to swap individual and collective is deadly.

A man who raped a women turning into a collective is men can't be trusted, all are potential rapists...  Then a man defends that he and others like him are a good guy with the swap,  he is now and individual which means he holds no weight or authority only making him and his kind more guilty.

We may never get rid of individuals actions,  but our goal as a collective is to be surprised about male / female inequality, to be surprised when a man does something to a women (or the other way round) that we are surprised and shocked that a women got attacked at night in a park by herself...  Let's be surprised as a collective that a man does something bad against a women and distrust the individual not the whole gender.

How to tell if you matter

If someone doesn't notice and appreciate what you bring, they aren't right for you.
S. Phelps

How To Move On Less Painfully

If you're having trouble moving on, remember: Letting go isn't loss,  it's allowing room for new.

The 'Biological Clock' Paradox

It's psychological, cyclical warfare: The older you get, the more pressure you feel to get married. The more pressure you feel, the more you lose focus on your relationship. The more focus you lose, the less likely it'll work out. Your relationship loses. Marriage loses. You lose. 

Fear is hiding in places you don't think to look

The same fear of relationship pain is paralleled to the 'fear' (masked by lack of desire/stubborness) of receiving 'help'. Both involve opening up and risking the chance of being let down once you let them in.

Got a big decision and don't know how to choose?

Never make choices out of fear, make them out of bravery and you'll make the right one.
S. Phelps

Regressive Feeling Revealing Progression

Instead of first,  wait last.
Instead of revealing feelings in the middle of them...  Process them and when their impact has died down reveal then,  even though we feel like blurting it out in the moment, we can still reveal and disclose things but not when they're going to cause more harm than good.

Sharing feels always helps with inner peace but can sometimes cause otter peace,  you can have both, just delay the sharing so the feelings become a story rather than a moment.

Do You Think You Know?

"It's easy to know what you think, until you think about what everyone else is thinking."
S. Phelps

Mind Hack for Self Control

The less you want to do something the easier and faster it has to be, to not be a burden.
S. Phelps

Why a lie wins over a truth

It's hard to replace a simple concept with a difficult or abstract one, even if the complicated version is correct and the simple concept is wrong.
S. Phelps

If you don't know who to believe, read this.

The man who knows he's right goes to great lengths to prove it. a man who is wrong goes to great lengths to discredit it.
S. Phelps

Real life inspired by fiction

Ted of how I met your mother
When he was a kid,  a kid knocked down his skyscraper...  Then the mean boss does the same as an adult...

The story of today could be the same as when they were a kid,  or a story you've played out in your head which you fear

Under Attack? Or Friendly Fire?

There's a difference between being attacked/blamed for something and someone grieving aloud/expressing their frustration and anguish
S. Phelps

Creativity is...

My definition...

Creativity means to conclude a notion or practically create something which is unique,  valued or appreciated.

Is Escape Bad?

Sometimes you need to escape the world in order to gain the strength to face it.
- S. Phelps

The Paradox of Desire

Emotion of want clouds the plan of how
S. Phelps 2016

Make it about you by not making it about you

Take a breath and acknowledge that 95% of what someone else does has absolutely nothing to do with you. Yes--even if you feel that they've talked about you, misused you or done you other wrongs, still their main concern isnot you. It's them. Trust this: realizing that other people with no "investment" in you also have no "interest" in you--and that their activity probably has nothing to do with you--is a big part of forgiving and being less paranoid. So spend extra time with this one idea:"Convince yourself that the other person is pretty ignorant when it comes to you and your feelings--and so, you need not worry about them!"

Sick cycle carousel

I lied to be the victim, the truth would have been easier and everyone would be blameless and no ill effects would be felt,  is it revenge, is it something to do with my own sense of injustice and making the injustice obvious? And then, it all washes away,  the kind word, the patient gesture, the lovely manner...  Everything is fine again, injustice is just a dream until you sleep then wake again, how do you break the cycle? By first acknowledging there is a cycle

Is it instinct or paranoia?

"There's a very fine line between instinct and paranoia."
– S Phelps

Scared of Failing?

"The fear of failure is emotional vanity"

So you failed... So what?... So what!

James Dyson had an idea inventing a bagless vacuum cleaner. He failed 5126 times.
5127 was not a failure, and that's the result we know.

No one really cares if you fail, fail to ultimately succeed!

Make it about me if you want me to make it about you

"If you don't address my feelings, I won't listen to your facts"
– S J Phelps

My girl is all three

A beautiful woman delights the eye, a wise woman, the understanding, a pure one, the soul.
– Minna Antrim

Don't destroy your peace for entertainment

What separates “boring” from “peaceful”?

Do you destroy your peace when really what you're trying to do is eradicate your boredom?

Break up the routine, here's why.

Shake up the routine.

According to Sternberg, our interactions in close relationships tend to go along in well-worn grooves, called scripts. Most emotion is the result of some interruption of the script. Keep doing the same old thing, and you experience no emotion. But stop what you’ve always done, and, suddenly, someone feels. Sternberg says you can find out if a relationship is “live” by generating something unexpected, such as one of you going away o their own, or going on a vacation to a new place together. But sometimes it takes extreme action to realize how much intimacy there is, or was. Why not plan for occasional minor interruptions—so you don’t need a major one to wake you up?

Secret society of the wise

William Scott Downey once wrote: “To keep your own secrets is wisdom; but to expect others to keep them is folly.”

Armchair Critics

It's easy to give criticism, much harder to give solutions that actually work.

Our Desire Ensnares Us

Extreme passion is our master and we are it's willing slave no matter how painful

S Phelps 2016

Why Nobody Is Wrong About Music

"For you, if it sounds good, it's music. If it doesn't then it's not"   
-Sam Phelps 2013

How to get heard!

"Tell them what they want to hear, then they'll listen to what you have to say"
Sam Phelps Feb 2016

Sometimes The Lie Is Prettier

It's hard to replace a simple concept with a difficult or abstract one, even if they are right and the simple concept is wrong

The truth and the perception

Just because I spelt a word wrong,  doesn't mean I don't know how to spell it,  and just because I spelt it right doesn't mean I know how to spell it.

The arrow of time - men wanting to reverse it.

http://theage.com.au/national/supporters-of-antiwoman-group-return-of-kings-to-meet-in-sydney-20160201-gmikrh.html

It's not even worth finishing reading,  I get it, they want it to be like it was in a primitive society...  The arrow of time means that can't happen unless we move forward to some fallout/instability where it's more about physical strength than anything else. It's OK to have opinions, it's not if you are breaking the laws and inflicting upon others who didn't choose.

The career dating dance

A company rejecting you for being 'overqualified' is like saying 'that girl is too hot for me so I'll say no even though she wants me' Sure you probably won't grow old together, and yeah she'll probably realise she can do better but it will be amazing while it lasts!

Why girls like men with money and it's not the reason you think

Why do many girls like men money?

On the surface this seems like a stupid question...  But really think about it,  why? Well because they want nice things probably,  what about freedom? Most likely, security? For sure.

If you subscribe to the theory of everything revolves around survival and legacy,  then a partner with money can provide both.  A large part of seeking out a mate is getting the feeling of being safe and secure, to feel like your survival is not under threat,  in other words "if you have money, I feel safe with you". You keep seeing the stat that women enjoy sex more with a man who is rich. Well when your not anxious or stressed about tomorrow's survival, it helps you focus on enjoying yourself.

How to protect yourself from mental attacks.

The hostility towards someone else stems from fear. Defending yourself won't work,  making them feel better may not and definitely won't in the long term. It's an individual security issue and they are trying to control the situation and make that fear go away.  Learn to be brave,  and learn to spot someone who isn't.  When you learn to do that, you will not take attacks as personal and prevent unconscious attacks on others.

Why don't you just leave the abusive relationship?

If you don't understand why someone doesn't leave an abusive or violent relationship, think about a workplace. Those company expected hours build up to the point of being illegal, poor conditions,  not appreciated,  blamed for things going wrong, it stresses you out, you try really hard,  you hope it gets better, when you get tried of being treated this way for a while you stand up for yourself but then get punished even more, it seems like they're out to get you,  they make life difficult trying to try and make you leave,  but you try even harder to win their favor OR you become a hollow shell just drifting - either way,  you haven't taken the hint, so they find reasons to build a case against you until either you take the hint or they kick you out on your arse.

So why didn't you just leave before it all started? It never started and it never stopped,  it not easy to walk away from something when you feel you reply on it so much,  when you feel like tomorrow will be different, when you feel like you can fix the problem or it will just fix itself over time.  Yes some people know their worth and walk at the sign of trouble,  but for the rest of us,  we stay in that crappy job,  sometimes we put up with it our whole lives or go from bad job to bad job letting history repeat. It's a paradoxical abusive relationship,  like fascism is to communism.

So before you judge someone for not walking away from an abusive relationship, why didn't you walk away from your abusive relationship?

Anything which involves giving up a piece of your identity is one of the hardest things to do,  and when we have the ability to rationalize almost anything we want to, we'll always find a reason why it's worth living in hell so we don't have to say goodbye to a piece of ourselves.

Hurting People Hurt People

If someone is mean to us, we take it personally,  but what if you knew that someone had just lost a loved one like a spouse or a parent? Do we still take it personally,  or do we rationalise that their pain is being transfered onto us? There's a good chance that most mean deeds spring from outside pain and unresolved feelings.
Hurting people hurt people. Try not to take it personally, otherwise you'll be hurting too and may pass that on.

Memory Mind blown

Most memories aren't lost, but their triggers are.

Phelps 2016

After trying to spell sooty I remembered an old children's show I used to like and hadn't thought of it since I was a child - unless I did but have no trigger to remind myself haha

"People can't give you what they don't have"

A couple of interesting quotes that got me thinking...

"People can't give you what they don't have"

How many times do we want something and want someone to give it to us when deep down we know they can't - like someone admitting they are wrong but they will never have the ability to see that,  or a mother wanting their child to be super grateful for the sacrifices she made,  but they'll never reach that realisation to the degree the mother wants, or the daughter wanting a close relationship to the astranged father when he's never had a healthy relationship in his life, or a woman who has been abused by a man and wants her partner to give back what she's lost...  Or maybe a husband wants his wife to understand him more, but she is who she is and would have to change who she is to understand or 'get him' more... Which leads me to an interesting second quote...
Antero Alli, an obscure author, wrote, “communication is only possible between equals"
Do you agree? I try to learn how to think dumber so I can communicate with 'dumb' people...This quote sums up what I am trying to do,  I was trying to be like the person I wanted to communicate with... Maybe that's why so few can communicate in a relationship, many seem unbalanced,  which we jokingly describe as 'who wears the pants' with that quote alone you are saying you are not equal,  one has power while the other follows... Maybe it's time to be equal,  and if you can't, try to be equal in the moment...