It's an explanation, it's not an excuse.

A comment to 'when men raise their voice, it's because they feel they aren't being obeyed'.

There might be two different things going on here (we're going to leave nature debates out of this, super complicated), sometimes these two are combined, sometimes not.

One is conditioning based on culture, upbringing - just seeing it as that's just how it is. There's no rhyme or reason.

So the good news is we rebel against about 1 in 5 nurtured habits as we become adults, so 20% have a chance to break free 'easily' while the other 80% will need social cues and relearning, which is really difficult, but not impossible.

The second is much worse because it comes from a place of fear. Fear of what? Being found out. Imposter syndrome. How is that relevant in relationships and interactions?

Lucky you, you're about to find out - this is a pattern amongst all people across all sorts of genres, it just so happens this genre and these people are far more damaging in the now, and across generations. So what are they afraid of exactly, what are they hoping no one finds out about?

Let me ask you this? Do you love yourself? Do you even like yourself? Would you enjoy spending all week with you?

For some, they do like themselves, cool! For others, they don't, at all. When someone likes or even loves the person who hates themself, after a while they start to feel like they have to keep up an act, because if the person truly got to know them, they'd see what you always feared.

Fear. They are in a way, incompetent of being themselves. Think of an incompetent boss or manager, same behaviour, but not the same level of personal destruction (usually). We're not very good humans when we're scared. Fear - it's not rational, it's not considered, it does not pick up on subtlety and it does not conform to social expectations. It's not an excuse, it is an explanation.

Explanations are needed to inform the direction of change. Don't get furious, get curious. And yet furry let's us know something is wrong, so the path for some is furry, it let's others know things are not ok and that's just as important... But furry can't explain why, curiosity does.

When someone doesn't know who they are, what they stand for, who their identity is, they are always going to feel like they're pretending, and for many, they will lash out when they feel like they're being exposed as the fraud human being they feel they are.

So the next time anyone yells at you, see if there is fear in their eyes while they're getting angry over 'nothing'.
It's only an explanation, it's not an excuse.

"Sam, please, we're just having some observational truth bomb pitchfork media meme times." #DontBringFactsToAFeelingsFight

Winning with facts is fiction

Facts aren't some superpower which wins all battles, but charm might be.
Phelps

Accountability vs Freewill

Where is the line? Where's the right balance? By you wanting more freewill, someone is losing there's. By submitting to accountability you are putting your faith in others who may only hack have their freewill in mind.

Where's the good balance?

Why does music suck?

"For you, if it sounds good, it's music. If it doesn't then it's not"   
-Sam Phelps

Why do so many people believe Donald Trump?

A simple to understand lie is often more believable than a complicated truth.

Phelps

You are wrong! Unless you're not.

There's a picture going around of two people facing each other...  In the middle is either a 6 or a 9 ... Both think they are right...  Then someone added that just because they both think they are right, that doesn't mean one isn't wrong,  and about adjusting perspective to see which it actually is not just want you think it is...  This is my response.

Really cool,  really interesting...  I love how the original picture got me thinking,  liked it and said the end.  Never to dwell again,  then this comes along and make me think again, the original I was sure of, this challenges that notion and makes me want to go down the rabbit hole...

Why we can't figure shit out is we are arguing over different things masquerading as the same thing... 

Straight away any topic is either perception or reality. Some topics, sure, lend itself to reality - the distance from Sydney to Melbourne - I have a ruler, I've measured it, we all have a ruler to measure it which at some point we all agreed is a unit of measurement.
Some things lend themselves to perception - tomato tastes awesome!
How about flipping fact and feeling - I feel like its a longer  trip thanthe ruler tells me because the car radio is broken and the engine is clunky. That's Perception...  Tomato contains natural MSG - that's fact.

The 6, or the 9... Both are right and wrong and the person adding the text is both right and wrong,  because it all depends on the parameters you've set out. If it's opinion based like the taste of food,  both are right...  If it's about it can only be one number,  both are wrong,  if we use the origin of the intended design,  this contributor adding red text is right,  if the actual designer of this pic had a different intention,  then that cancels out the bolted on intention of the contributor...  Then in your opinion I am wrong regardless of how long I take to craft a balanced argument, while others may think I'm right either because they already have this opinion and I've reinforced it or the much less likely; someone has/will change their mind because of the rational behind my point...

What is the point?

Maybe it's less about being right and wrong...  We can all change the parameters to suit the win...  It's about being on the same page where even though you don't agree with something, you have enough knowledge on the subject to be able to successfully debate the opposing side...  "even though that opinion is wrong,  I can see why they came to that mindset in the fireplace".

But what about people who can't do that? Why should we be the one to bridge the gap to the racists,  biggots, stubborn, sexist, shallow, closed minded, evil people?

http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/11/fighting-prejudice-by-admitting-it/
Unfortunately we are all as prejudice as each other - only some people attack 'fixed' things (stuff that can't be changed,  race,  sexuality, history etc)  while others are prejudice against things are are 'perceived' to be fluid (non fixed choices - things that I could change if they 'wanted' to like religion,  character,  behavior, opinion)

Example: Let's say a guy beats up his kids - not acceptable - he should change,  nay,  be punished, Nay put to death,  Nay tortured.  The end.

Wait...  Will any of these scenarios heighten or lower you outrage?

* This man can from wealth and privilege.
* This man is a celebrity who is known for being a nice guy.
* This guy is passionately religious.
* This man is just some guy who saw his family murdered when he was a child,  adopted by a pedophile and was abusived every day there after until 16.

How are you going so far? For each example - do you have a scaling of justice? It's just your opinion,  your perception of justice and fair based on what he could choose and when,  and what he couldn't choose and when....  But even still, it's an explanation,  there's not an excuse right? He could still choose not to beat up his kids.  So because he could choose,  shouldn't he just not in the first place regardless of any of life's situations?

Hold up! MAOA and CDH13. Not Star Wars characters,  they are colloquially called the warrior gene. Genetic predispositions which are either turned on or left dormant forever...  How? Abuse, violence and major dysfunction at childhood. If someone has the gene but has a good upbringing (not fearing for their life essentially) it never activates. It's probably in agreement that a child generally doesn't choose how they are raised and treated yes? So combine nature and nurture and we have an adult to grow up violent with as much choice as someone who has a different skin colour or sexual preference.
So now a sub option:

* This man was abused as a child and does not have the warrior gene.
* This man was abused as a child and does have the warrior gene...

Is all of the points for you have different scalings of justice still? Why? Depending on the angle and 'facts' it determines the outcome right?

Hold up again!
www.geneticliteracyproject.org/2016/07/29/does-the-human-warrior-gene-make-violent-criminals-and-what-should-society-do/amp/
Then you've got facts which are changing...  The warrior gene is now being contested not of its existence but of its trigger...  Even though the majority of the scientific community believe something, does that mean it's true? Or is this one rouge research team in Finland about to make a new fact? I don't know,  maybe you don't either...

I don't know about you,  I'm getting pretty tried thinking about all this,  if you've read this far,  cool,  few will...  Why? It's hard to think this deeply and consider all sides... B it's easier to shout what we 'know' than challenge it day in day out...  This is why most people in the end go for cheap,  quick intuition which is determined by feelings... Can you really blame people for not knowing things when it's so much work to be educated? Maybe. Can you punish someone for being ignorant? I'm sure we are all capable. We all have a story and reasons,  even if we ourselves don't know our reasons... If you truly want someone to change their opinion,  make them feel like they matter as a person,  because there's a good chance you don't really think they matter,  how rude and blind,  how stubborn and closed minded,  how ignorant... You don't respect them so they won't change your opinion to their side will they? So why would it work in reverse?

If you really want to win...  Agree first (even if you don't)  then make suggests of 'improvement' notice I kind of did that at the top?

Whether the picture is a 6, a 9, a g, a map, a drawing,  a new toy... Whatever you call it, it exists.... Unless it doesn't.

How do we choose when we have no understanding?

In the absence of any other information, humans tend to estimate the value of something by gauging the demand for it.

Good or Bad? Feelings verses Facts

Do you associate yourself yourself as a good person by down playing your own feelings and needs. Do you feel like a bad person when you put your needs first?

Why?

Two Lies Make A Truth

You sometimes have to lie to a really anxious person to calm them down, because anxiety lies to them about reality.

Your confirmation bias to me?

If I get respected and famous in the field of psychology, all of my blog posts become 'great' or 'inspired' or the making of a star,  or maybe it's just confirmation bias and they are all just terrible?! Or you've never heard of me and think they suck when some of my thoughts lead me to changing the world forever?!

How Do You Know When To Trust?

How do you determine trust? How do you know when someone is trustworthy; worth giving time to; investing in; sharing with? What is the silent measure and how is it gained and lost? What are the thresholds between caution and carelessness, protection and paranoia?

Short answer...  We don't, none of us do, but to not trust on even basic levels would mean the end of your life, I trust that the house I am in does not collapse, that the food I eat is not poison, that the car coming the other way doesn't crash into me...  So why do I trust those obvious things but not little things...  Well conditioning mainly but at the heart of it trust is two things coming together...  Patterns and accountability. I trust my house, my food and my fellow drivers won't kill me because it hasn't happened yet out of a large amount of experience and even if something dose happen it's so rare that it could be considered an anomaly (but for some even one time is enough to break the trust, depending on a variety of factors for a different topic). The second reason of accountability is the most reliable method of trust...  There's an expression "follow the money" which sums this up perfectly. Why does my food not poison me? Because the people providing it to me stand to lose more than me,  why does the car divers don't try to kill me? Their lives are more important than mine. Why does my house not collapse over my head? The people involved stand to lose to much if they don't do it correctly and same with all the people's jobs to keep these people accountable, they can lose their jobs and income, their ways of life.
So after seeing some patterns and following the thread of accountability also known as "what's in it for them" by lying to you they stand to gain no benefit, then your fine. If I had not such a complicated answer I'd probably be a lot richer or be a secret government agency spy...

If you want to catch a liar don't try the body language crap and eye position stuff,  it's too floored and means multiple things (like looking up is the brain activating visual information which yes could be creating a story in order to tell you back, but much more likely it's recalling things you've already seen)

If you really think someone is lying to you,  get them to tell their story in reverse order, if they made it up on the spot, it's hard to work in reverse linear, but not too hard if it's legit. It's a CIA trick.
Happy liar hunting y'all! 

Why a lie wins over a truth

It's hard to replace a simple concept with a difficult or abstract one, even if the complicated version is correct and the simple concept is wrong.
S. Phelps

If you don't know who to believe, read this.

The man who knows he's right goes to great lengths to prove it. a man who is wrong goes to great lengths to discredit it.
S. Phelps

When it's healthy to give up

It's said that we stay way too long,  the sunk cost fallacy theory,  where the fear of change is greater than the pain of remaining the same...  It takes a very strong and brave person to walk away when the facts are very clear, but the emotions are high.  Usually it's the other person's issues... You may 'trigger' the issues like when you say "nice day!" and they reply "what's so nice about it" and then spirals from there,  but it's important to remember we didn't 'cause' it as much as you on the inside or they out loud might want you to believe.  You may hurt them by doing what's best for you,  but you are harming yourself by not... We hurt a puppy by giving it a needle to save its life but we are not harming it...  Kicking it is harming.  I don't pretend to know you,  but I'm so proud of you! If that list is how you feel,  then it is fact,  and you have done something about that...  This is a big deal and your life will be much better in the long run because of it!

You've done the right thing!

Good or bad all depends on me

Not including 'famous' or 'known to us but not known to them' people.

Someone is good based on what they have done for us,  what they are doing for us or what they could do for us

Someone is bad based on what they have done to us,  what they are doing to us or what they could do to us.

Wrestling with 'what is right' choice and others choices

We say that people who don't have a choice with preferences of life,  as long as they don't hurt anyone,  we should accept them...  But what if i don't chose my feelings towards them...  Why do i have to change or hide?  Its not OK to be mean,  say cruel things,  do bad deeds...  None of that is acceptable,  but why do i have to be OK with someone's 'lack of choice' when my lack choice is opposite?  This is not an attack,  nor spacific...  But we all have physiological triggers and things that are connected to likes and dislikes...  I don't like men dressing up as women,  or women who dress up as men.  Then people would say...  "oh you hate transgender people" ... No...  I've known one individual,  and they were a nice person,  decent...  Didn't have a problem... "so how can you say...  " because there's other things in play...  I also don't like clowns...  Doesn't mean i don't like the person in the clown costume... or some dress ups...   seeing a pattern here?
There is a theory called the 'uncanny valley' look it up for more details,  but these pics are basic examples ...
So what's this got to do with me not liking men dressing up as women and women dressing up as men? (less the latter) because I have instinctively evolutionary feelings that if someone is trying to deceive me,  I feel threatened and my body goes into a mode of alertness.  I don't chose this...  Yet somehow society would say at a glance that I'm transgender-phobic...  So if they don't choose to be transgender,  and I don't chose for my psychology to be wary...  Then we do act on the choices we do have...  I may not like something but that doesn't mean it hurts me or me meaning harm on someone. We are all people, we have our struggles...  Our blessings and our curses...  It must be such a tough world when so many people don't accept ones identity...  I accept who you are...  Let's celebrate our similarities...  Humanity...  That's something we all share :-)

Dawning of a World Wide Era?

The right conclusions for the wrong reasons.  Maybe it's taken time to change our thinking behavior but for some "if you know the question, you can get the answer" rings true...  It does for me anyway.  I'm realising how little we really know...  The facts...  We do so many things and don't really know why,  we give so much advice,  but where did we get it? We had the industrial revolution,  we are in the IT age...  Maybe the sun will rise on the era of fact?  Where opinion is not as valued as hard evidence...  This sounds like hard work...  To prove everything you say and believe,  but i find myself questioning any 'fact' that i picked up along the way but didn't have a reliable source...  What what is reliable?  Trust?  And what is trust?  The repetition of being right and/or reliable.  Chicken or the egg.
The other problem is truth and fact changes with new truths and facts. We aren't as smart as we think us humans...  Every generation thinks they are at the height of humanity and that somehow we've figured out most things worth knowing...  That's my opinion,  not fact.  Maybe the era of fact is still a long way off.

Good Cop Bad Cop

If you have a bag of weed in your car,  the police are your enemy...  If you are held hostage,  the police are your hero.

Good to Bad Shifting Scale

To have a high you need to have lows,  how do you know how high or low is if there is no point of difference...  Try having 3 cups of water,  cold,  room temp warm, hot.  If I dip my hand into the cold first,  the middle feels warm,  if I dip my hand into hot the middle then feels cool...  Oh relativity...  A blessing and a curse, you can make good things bad and bad good,  make good things great and bad things catastrophic it all just depends on how you look at it and relative to.
Nothing is ever just good or bad.

First Impressions

"We judge books by their covers, and we can't help but do it," says Nicholas Rule of the University of Toronto. "With effort, we can overcome this to some extent, but we are continually tasked with needing to correct ourselves." The less time we have to make our judgments, the more likely we are to go with our gut, even over fact, he says

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140214111207.htm

I'm a massive fan of psychology, I've always wanted to become a psychologist, but is it possible there are just 'powers' that aren't quantifiable, other senses in play? I mean, what is 'fact' anyway? Science keeps changing the facts and all it's various data spin off genres like psych do the same.

I met 3 people last night... and I don't believe I need the 'facts' to get an idea of who they are as people... I could see in their eyes they were very kind, empathetic, aware, intelligent, strong sense of identity... maybe first impressions are so important is because all our senses are active in that moment and our 'gut' is one of them. I personally believe based on my life and interactions I have what the psych world calls 'people intelligence' (look below for explanation)... so I argue the paragraph at the top of the page... Is the 'fact' getting in the way of our gut judgement?
I get the general vibe of what they are trying to portray... 'don't judge and come to a conclusion and that's all they are and who they'll ever be' but the way both society and the science world's angle on this really have my gut feeling funny...

Some would argue... 'how do you know?, 'how do you know if they are kind and empathetic, aware, intelligent...' etc... well I don't, and I don't think often the individual residing in themselves knows for sure either, or other variables changes based on time, place, event and feeling can turn the most caring person into someone fighting for their life.
There's a wrong perception that most people 'know' they like that boy, they don't like that girl, I feel happy, I know what's wrong with my life... so many people don't know... they change their mind, they are insecure, they have fears and worries and chemical/hormonal changes and secrets and pasts.

What I will agree with completely is that we are all complex creatures, we are all capable of anything at any time, good or bad, we can and will change from moment to moment and year to year, nothing is certain... who we are in the now and who we choose to be is closest thing to 'fact' we may ever get.

People Intelligence.
People high in personal intelligence are able to understand personalities—their own and those of other people. They recognize clues about other people, form models of people that are relatively accurate, make choices taking into account their own and other people's personalities, and set reasonable goals. The key distinguishing feature of these individuals is their ability to solve problems related to understanding personality. These adept thinkers possess “abilities by definition”—and that is the key to identifying them.  

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-personality-analyst/201404/how-high-is-your-personal-intelligence