Stop Trying To Please Everyone!

You'll never not piss someone off with who you are and what you believe,  so instead of figuring out who to please,  maybe figure out who you'd rather piss off? I want to piss off people who want their own way with everything,  I want to piss people off who exploit others for their gain, I want to piss others off who want to rob dreams and hopes of others,  I want to piss people off who think it's OK to hurt others for their pleasure or wreck people's lives for a moment of hideous indulgence. I want to piss off the people who make the world a worse place for them being in it.

My Pain Is Worse Than Yours?

Who's pain is worse? The person feeling it.
S. Phelps

Accidental Relationship Sabotage

Why do people rush into marriage? Why do they rush into living together or rush to having a family?
Why do people hold off getting married, or moving in together,  why do people resist even being in a relationship in the first place?

The answer to both why we speed up and why we slow down is the same.  Fear.

The reason you avoid being close to someone is to avoid being hurt.
The reason you rush into commitments is because you're locking things down before that person can get away.

The same thing is going on in both situations,  we are trying to have power and control over over a situation to avoid possible pain.  The problem is "he who fears he shall suffer,  already suffers what he fears".
The problem is,  the more you focus on the fear and what you don't want to happen,  the more you feed the beast. It's like quicksand, the more you do to prevent the pain you're trying to avoid,  the faster it makes you sink into it.

I don't blame people for how they behave... If there was a countdown to putting your hand on a hot plate, in that time,  wouldn't you do actions to try and avoid that outcome?

Do Women Really Want Equality?

Do women really want equality?

https://medium.com/@NikitaCcoulombe/do-women-really-want-equality-4374910f2236#.f5qqea2os

A productive headline for sure,  which is why I clicked,  but turns out to be a well written article.
This is more about surface life rather than deep wounds from the past or personal incidences man v woman.

For me and my thoughts over the years I'd say 80% I agree with (8 out of every 10 statements)
I still think the ultimate goal for all genders is to have choice, we don't want our past to stand in the way of what we want, we don't want the present to stand in the way of what we want,  and we certainly don't want to see someone get what they want while we go without because of things we didn't choose (gender, age, race, sexual orientation, religion) as long as our choices don't hurt others for our gain (which is how we got inequality in the first place) then choice is equality definition. Let men and women have their choice,  let's have that kind of equality.... So do women really want equality?
Yes.

Your confirmation bias to me?

If I get respected and famous in the field of psychology, all of my blog posts become 'great' or 'inspired' or the making of a star,  or maybe it's just confirmation bias and they are all just terrible?! Or you've never heard of me and think they suck when some of my thoughts lead me to changing the world forever?!

The Human Evolution Paradox

I wish politicians would focus on how they are "good" rather than why everyone else is "bad."

Sorry but it's democracy at work...  It's our collective fault...  We often vote against who we don't like rather than voting for who we do... It's said it's much easier for us to decide what we don't like rather than what we do. The theory of why is we take more notice of threats than friends (evolution). As the political parties have done more market research over the last 50 years, they're just responding to us and our behaviors,  unfortunately with the amount of data mining on human behavior, it's now self perpetuating, un-evolved instincts continually poked by our modern genius...  Surely humanity's most humble paradox.

How Do You Know When To Trust?

How do you determine trust? How do you know when someone is trustworthy; worth giving time to; investing in; sharing with? What is the silent measure and how is it gained and lost? What are the thresholds between caution and carelessness, protection and paranoia?

Short answer...  We don't, none of us do, but to not trust on even basic levels would mean the end of your life, I trust that the house I am in does not collapse, that the food I eat is not poison, that the car coming the other way doesn't crash into me...  So why do I trust those obvious things but not little things...  Well conditioning mainly but at the heart of it trust is two things coming together...  Patterns and accountability. I trust my house, my food and my fellow drivers won't kill me because it hasn't happened yet out of a large amount of experience and even if something dose happen it's so rare that it could be considered an anomaly (but for some even one time is enough to break the trust, depending on a variety of factors for a different topic). The second reason of accountability is the most reliable method of trust...  There's an expression "follow the money" which sums this up perfectly. Why does my food not poison me? Because the people providing it to me stand to lose more than me,  why does the car divers don't try to kill me? Their lives are more important than mine. Why does my house not collapse over my head? The people involved stand to lose to much if they don't do it correctly and same with all the people's jobs to keep these people accountable, they can lose their jobs and income, their ways of life.
So after seeing some patterns and following the thread of accountability also known as "what's in it for them" by lying to you they stand to gain no benefit, then your fine. If I had not such a complicated answer I'd probably be a lot richer or be a secret government agency spy...

If you want to catch a liar don't try the body language crap and eye position stuff,  it's too floored and means multiple things (like looking up is the brain activating visual information which yes could be creating a story in order to tell you back, but much more likely it's recalling things you've already seen)

If you really think someone is lying to you,  get them to tell their story in reverse order, if they made it up on the spot, it's hard to work in reverse linear, but not too hard if it's legit. It's a CIA trick.
Happy liar hunting y'all! 

Swipe Dating and Why We Do It

"In the age of Tinder, Grindr, Happn, Bumble and many other dating apps that allow people to flip through potential dates like picking socks for the winter season, it seems not only romance has died, but also the respect needed to nurture healthy relationships. Is Tinder a symptom of our self-indulgent, self-absorbed, individualistic, lonely society or has it perpetuated a model in which every human interaction is need-based and transactional?"

— Mădălina Preda

Actually it comes down to fear...  We as creatures generally use fear as a guide to keep us alive. When we make it personal, it triggers all sorts of fears, men and women alike, so dating paradoxically is what brings the option of new life but we may 'die' in the process (according to the un-evolved part of our brain when triggered by fear). So as humans have done for thousands of years,  we try to make things safer... Our feelings guide our 'success' (even though flying on a plane is safer than a car and a kitchen is dirtier than a toilet), and in this context we have been able to remove fear and vulnerability through 'distance' which is achieved by 'safety in numbers'. Guys have used this approach for a while...  Have many girls being dated at the same time so it doesn't matter if one fails because there's others to fall back on and because you don't value one over the other, you don't care who comes or who goes.  Caring or not caring regulates emotions...  The more you care,  the more you fear losing,  the less you care... You guessed it,  the less you fear losing... It's also the fear of failure or wasting your time or feeling stupid...  If you invest in one person and it doesn't work out, it can evoke any number of the feelings above and some but having lots of people, it's just simple numbers,  some will come,  some will go but there will always be someone. Finally,  it makes us feel good,  even if the feeling is dripping with fraud, you feel loved or attractive, you feel wanted,  validated and accepted... We all want to matter and this is the fastest most convenient way to feel like it, and we all deserve to feel like we matter because we all do!

Have Peace in Change

If life has taught me anything is that nothing stays the same, and there's not much you can do to stop it,  but there's lots you can do to slow it down. Be still.

You're the problem and the solution

"Attitude trumps intelligence, passion trumps process but excuses trumps you."
S. Phelps

Let's see each other not as gender but as humanity.

We need to teach our sons the difference between:

a woman who compromises him and a woman who will compromise with him

a woman who will stand on him and a woman who will stand with him

a woman in need of a parent and woman in need of a partner

a woman who expects everything from him and a woman who respects everything about him

Then we need to teach our daughter's to be that women.

Men V Women.
How to tell when it's a fair point? Reverse the genders...  If the advice is both true and powerful regardless of if it's directed at male or female...  It is not about gender, rather about humanity

The difference between collective and individual.
A man raping a women is an individual action, the attitude towards it is collective.
A women belittles a man to the point of suicide is individual action, our response is collective. Both are important,  but to swap individual and collective is deadly.

A man who raped a women turning into a collective is men can't be trusted, all are potential rapists...  Then a man defends that he and others like him are a good guy with the swap,  he is now and individual which means he holds no weight or authority only making him and his kind more guilty.

We may never get rid of individuals actions,  but our goal as a collective is to be surprised about male / female inequality, to be surprised when a man does something to a women (or the other way round) that we are surprised and shocked that a women got attacked at night in a park by herself...  Let's be surprised as a collective that a man does something bad against a women and distrust the individual not the whole gender.

How to tell if you matter

If someone doesn't notice and appreciate what you bring, they aren't right for you.
S. Phelps

How To Move On Less Painfully

If you're having trouble moving on, remember: Letting go isn't loss,  it's allowing room for new.

The 'Biological Clock' Paradox

It's psychological, cyclical warfare: The older you get, the more pressure you feel to get married. The more pressure you feel, the more you lose focus on your relationship. The more focus you lose, the less likely it'll work out. Your relationship loses. Marriage loses. You lose. 

Fear is hiding in places you don't think to look

The same fear of relationship pain is paralleled to the 'fear' (masked by lack of desire/stubborness) of receiving 'help'. Both involve opening up and risking the chance of being let down once you let them in.

Got a big decision and don't know how to choose?

Never make choices out of fear, make them out of bravery and you'll make the right one.
S. Phelps